Father’s Day is a time when we can reflect on the male role models in our lives and appreciate the lessons learned from their contributions. Gifts and cards are often given in recognition of the importance of that paternal role.
But these days, many households are single-parent families and the father may only be seen occasionally. Stepfathers, grandfathers, uncles, neighbors, teachers, they can all provide valuable guidance and teach a lot about those predominantly masculine traits and characteristics. And sometimes other men are more understanding and trustworthy than our real father.
If a boy’s father, his first significant male role model, falls short, it can be difficult for a boy to process, sometimes internalizing it as rejection, not being good enough, unwanted. They may become defensive or emotionally withdrawn, as a means of protecting themselves from further pain and disappointment.
Or, alternatively, you may feel compelled to continually push yourself to do better, constantly working harder and harder, or even react against the situation, becoming rebellious and defiant, giving the appearance of not caring, yet constantly demanding attention.
– As a single mother it is important to try to avoid sharing negative views and experiences of your ex, to color your son’s perspective of his father. It may have been a difficult breakup, leaving you hurt, disappointed, betrayed, let down, but those emotions are specific to your relationship with your ex. Your common children deserve to have the best of both of you and to have each parent in your life in the most positive way possible.
It is far better to encourage children to stay in touch with their father, which will result in a happy outcome for all in the long run. A single mother may feel aggrieved because she is in a position where she can bribe and buy the children’s affection with lavish gifts and treats, which they gladly accept! Why wouldn’t they? But children are more perceptive than we think. They usually know and appreciate the emotional and financial struggles their mother has, the effort it takes just to put food on the table every day.
Keep your relationship with your father alive and even if there is a more ‘healthy’ male role model in their lives, a grandfather, an uncle, an understanding mentor, accept that the father of a child occupies a unique position for them.
– As a separated parent it is important not to exacerbate a situation if it is already fragile or festering. Children are the innocent ones in this and if they misbehave or play, accept that it may take time for them to settle down and readjust. Try to ensure an ongoing link with your mother, respect agreed decisions, keep civil communication channels open, and do your best to avoid reacting to points of contention.
Let’s reflect on the qualities that are important in a father:
– Physical strength gives peace of mind to children, who value their father as a guardian, protector, healthy and physically fit. They feel safe and secure when they know he is strong enough to stand up for them and their family.
– Moral values affair. Children expect to see their father do ‘the right thing’, be principled and fair. Admiring and respecting their father for his integrity, honesty, and guidance teaches them to have standards and respect for the law and others.
– Men feel more and more comfortable when it comes to expressing their feelings., showing how much they love and care for their wife and children. Today it is more acceptable to talk about issues and problems, discuss how to cope and manage stress. Being able to hug, show love and affection is important. The days of the strong and silent man are fading. Boys need to see and learn from their important male role model how to successfully discuss, compromise, and solve problems.
– Family values they learn when they see that their father enjoys spending time with them, treating him as a priority, important to him. Children are sensitive to nonverbal cues, sensing disinterest, rejection, and mixed messages in a variety of ways. They also notice how he treats his mother and other family members, separated or not. Family values are learned by witnessing relationships in the home.
– Respect for others is another important lesson. How the father treats other road users, restaurant and store staff, how he addresses the people he meets. Is he deferential, submissive, arrogant, assertive or nice? Good manners, consideration, and appropriate communication styles are important in building positive and successful relationships with others.
– Does the father have a good work ethic? Being conscientious, fair, and diligent, enjoying your job choices, doing a good job, and finding satisfaction in your efforts demonstrate a sense of responsibility. Do you respect and care for money, treat property well, express gratitude and appreciation for what you have while having fun and enjoying yourself? All traits a child will hopefully witness and learn from a parent.
But Father’s Day can also be a time to reflect on things we would have done differently. Many people have memories of unsatisfying experiences with his father, perhaps witnessing his relationship with work, money, success, areas where they feel he needed a better focus. Your goal will be to avoid repeating the mistakes that were made with them. After all, we all want to be the best we can be when raising our own children.
