The vast majority of us learn very early that we are expected to deal with facts. In and of itself, this might not be such a terrible thing. The problem begins when we combine with this the idea that we also learn very early where these facts come from. Usually we are not learning that facts come from testing hypotheses and finding evidence for a piece of information, but rather that facts are synonymous with statements. Since we have learned that facts are true, when we are provided with a statement that stands as a statement of fact, we tend not to question it. Obviously, there are times when taking this approach to dealing with the world is enormously advantageous.
“The stove is hot”
“It’s raining”
With these statements and considering them as facts, our understanding of the world, emotionally and cognitively, adjusts appropriately and we can adapt our behavior to deal with the implications of these facts, for example, “stay away from the stove.” , “get a coat.”
Such statements need not be questioned. Of course, this doesn’t mean they can’t be, but for practical purposes, taking them at face value is unlikely to cause any of us anxiety or distress. If we were to adopt a Gibsonian view of these claims (which is certainly a bit strange since Gibson’s theories concerned visual perception) we could say that these facts “allow” a clear understanding of their meaning and implications. We are not limited by those implications, just as one is not limited by the possibilities in visual perception, but they provide opportunities and information for decision-making in the broadest sense, including thinking, feeling, and behavior. Fundamentally, such statements are neutral, they are not loaded with values and this could explain why we tend not to question them. However, the situation is not so simple. If we consider statements that are loaded with value, there is still a tendency to treat them as if they allow a clear understanding of their meanings, and we do not question them even though there may be a broader set of possibilities behind them.
Let’s consider some positive statements.
“Your performance today was brilliant”
“You have a good way of dealing with people”
Would you be willing to take these statements, maybe you feel a bit embarrassed, but take them as a statement of fact and don’t question them? Probably. But what exactly do they mean? What constitutes a brilliant performance and how does knowing that help you hone your skills, adapt your emotions, thinking and behavior? Similarly, what constitutes a good way to deal with people? Knowing what “nice” consisted of, when dealing with people, you could measure their performance and use this knowledge of their attributes in other situations. We don’t tend to question the positives, but we naively accept them, and by doing so, we don’t really learn anything from them.
Objectively, this is pure laziness, but if we explore this topic a little more deeply, we can understand why this laziness makes some sense. Think of the effort it would take to try to unravel the deeper meaning of what someone is trying to communicate with these positives. How would someone react if you asked them in return, “What exactly do you mean when you say nice?” How would you react if someone asked you that after congratulating them? It feels a bit strange. Like when we ask a casual acquaintance, “How are you?” We don’t expect to hear anything other than “Not bad”, we hope a compliment is enough. You look good; You did well, great goal, what else do you need to know?
Social convention dictates that positive information stops there, and this means that apart from being a sense of comfort, tranquility, and fostering good relationships, it is not particularly functional. That is not to say that it is not nice and pleasant, and that it can have strong motivational influences, but what do you learn?
Now let’s get a little paranoid: how much do you trust compliments and positive statements? 100%? Do you accept completely and absolutely everything positive that they tell you without a pinch of salt? Does your critical voice ever speak and place lingering doubts in your mind, either about the speaker or how your opinion might be different if you knew him better? Let’s pretend that sometimes there are doubts. So the positives aren’t particularly informative, you can’t really learn from them, and you can’t be completely sure they’re 100% true. When it comes to personal growth, they may not be the best they could be. Feeling good, yes, and that’s powerful, but your power comes from someone else. You have not increased your power of them, your personal understanding of their talents, abilities, biases, weaknesses, etc. Someone else is in a position of power to pass these blessings on to you and, as we have begun to suspect, they may not be 24 karat gold.
If neutral statements will not help us in our pursuit of personal growth and understanding, and positive statements are not, the only thing left would be negative statements.
How could negative statements help us to develop, after all, the negative statements that we are so good at keeping in our heads, that the ordinary comments that intervene and deflate us, probably could not be considered as a source of vital information leading to our self-growth? That’s true. But it is through what we can learn from the negative reactions of others, the things they say, the way they respond, that we can begin to challenge the voices in our minds and the external voices.
If you know what you are doing wrong, you can change it if you decide to do so. The good news is that people are very happy to let you know what it is that you are doing wrong. Probably the only thing people like more than talking about themselves is telling others what is wrong with them. Remember that you are not obliged to change to satisfy anyone, but if you want or need to develop in a certain area of your life, then know where you are now and how that is not as good as required, and knowing the details of where you are going. wrong, it’s almost like you’ve been given a map of how to develop. A map is worth having and you are getting it for free. While someone else may feel like they are venting to you, you can gather useful information and use it to understand what is expected and develop strategies to get there.
Who benefits, the person who criticizes or the person criticized?
