Do you think that you are fully available for a relationship and that you just haven’t met the right person? Or do you find yourself in love with someone who is not emotionally available or not in love with you, and you are convinced that you are available for the relationship?
Yvette, who is in that situation, wrote me the following:
“I am in love with a man, who is my friend, and who is not attracted to me sexually. Your rejection in this regard causes me great pain and sadness. It is very difficult for me to let go of expectations and hopes that he can love me and love me in this particular way. I fear that these expectations and my pain will ruin this friendship. I would like to get rid of the expectations that he will fall in love with me, but I don’t know how. I would like to accept this situation as it is. I’m also terribly jealous if he shows interest in other girls. “
While I am sure Yvette believes she is available for a relationship, it is very likely that she is emotionally unavailable. If she were emotionally available, she would no longer have the expectation that an emotionally unavailable man would fall in love with her. As long as he is not available, it is easy for her to believe that she is in love with him. But it is very likely that if he were available, she would not be ‘in love’ with him. The fact that she is ‘terribly jealous if he shows interest in other girls’ “indicates that it is his hurt self who believes he is in love, and the hurt self is incapable of loving. Jealousy is not part of love, because when we love to someone, we want them to be happy, even if that means with someone else.
When you are really available, you don’t continue a relationship with someone who is not emotionally available. However, if you are afraid of commitment and intimacy, then, to protect yourself from your fears, you could become attached to someone who is emotionally unavailable. If you find yourself, over and over again, attracting people who are unavailable, you may want to question your own availability. You may want to deeply explore your fears of intimacy and commitment.
As painful as it is for Yvette to love someone who doesn’t love her, this is a “safe” relationship, in the sense that she doesn’t have to face her deepest fears. You may be afraid of getting involved, losing yourself in a relationship, and becoming attached to a man who doesn’t love you sexually is one way to protect yourself against this fear. Perhaps you are afraid of rejection and would rather deal with a rejection that you know rather than risk rejection that is not predictable. Being ‘in love’ with someone who is emotionally unavailable and is already rejecting you, you don’t need to deal with the uncertainty that you might fear. Perhaps the pain she knows is preferable to her than the pain she fears, in case she is rejected by an available man.
If you think you haven’t met the right person, you may need to explore whether YOU are the right person. I have seen time and again that when a person does their inner bonding work to develop their loving adult self and heal their fears of rejection and withdrawal, they begin to attract more available people.
As the Law of Attraction says, “Likes attract Likes,” so when you are available, you are much more likely to attract available people and lose interest in unavailable people. As I said before, an available person does not wait for an unavailable person to be available.
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