Why did Chris Brown lose control of his anger and severely abuse his girlfriend, Rhianna? The even more perplexing question is why did Rhianna choose to continue the relationship? Because they are famous, the world knows the shocking news. Unfortunately, his story is all too common around the world. Hopefully all the news coverage and revealing abuse of other famous people will bring new insights and solutions to this age old problem.
I remember seeing movies from the caveman era where women were treated abusively by men. There is evidence that this pattern continues across civilizations. I hope we won’t be hearing about it a hundred years from now. However, if we don’t learn to deal with our fears and anger, that will probably be the case.
Anger is a secondary emotion. The primary emotions are fear, pain and/or helplessness. Anger covers these painful feelings. It is absurd that men are taught not to feel these emotions at a young age through the reactions and modeling of others. Instead, they learn that if they pretend not to feel scared or hurt, they are manly. Because they have been brainwashed into only sissies to cry and be afraid, many men hide these basic emotions.
I recently heard a man on TV comment negatively about Jason’s crying on “The Bachelor TV Show.” What the viewer is really saying is that he doesn’t believe he’s a man if he cries himself. I have also heard many women say that “sensitive men” turned them down. If males cannot express their fears and hurts, they are likely to be passive or active aggressive. These angry actions cover up their emotional pain and are often the cause of verbal or physical abuse.
Why is abusive behavior passed down from generation to generation? Abusive parents were often abused children, and likely learned from their parents’ behavior that it is okay to hit their physically weaker loved ones. These men were also taught not to share their fears.
As far as the victimized women are concerned, they were likely abused by their fathers and saw their fathers hurt their mothers. Logically, one would think that these women would surely choose a nice and gentle partner as opposed to their father. Unfortunately, that is often not the case, unless they have had effective therapy and resolved their childhood issues.
Victims need to break free from negative beliefs that: they are bad and deserve abuse; it is accepted behavior; they caused the negative behavior and the need to fix the men. None of which is true. Chances are, only a professional who knows how to get to the core issues can help your abusive partner.
Many clients have admitted to me that they have moved from one abusive relationship to another. When they finally went to therapy and healed their hurts from the past, they were able to attract healthy relationships.
It takes two people with high self-esteem and good communication skills to develop and maintain a healthy relationship. They need to know how to express their hurt and anger constructively and solve problems with win-win solutions.
In short, we can stop abuse by addressing the underlying causes and teaching what it takes to be emotionally healthy and create safe, loving relationships. We can do many things to eliminate aggressive behavior and the willingness to be a victim of abuse. When we provide everyone with the important tools for a successful life, this will be a much better and safer world.
