My mother, Martha Scolnick Larris, has been gone for 15 years. Memories of his unexpected appearance throughout the year … his impressive vocabulary, his love of sales, his incomparable matzo balls! But it is in spring, when I spend more and more time in my garden, that I think of her more often. The fact that I have a garden and love taking care of it so much is a direct result of being my mother’s daughter. That woman knew her flowers! And I am very grateful that he has passed that knowledge on to me.
It might seem like a small thing to know a freesia from a forsythia, a gardenia from a gladiolus, a hydrangea from a hyacinth. But for me, this special awareness offers constant opportunities to notice my surroundings … to celebrate the beauty and incredible variety of nature. If I thought they were all “just flowers”, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy them as much as I do. So thank you, mom.
I’ve been thinking about the legacy each of us received from our mothers. I wondered if, given the opportunity, people could describe what they had been given. In honor of Mother’s Day, I sent out a questionnaire asking friends and family what “life lessons” they had learned from their mother. I want to thank everyone who took the time to respond. I appreciate your help, your honesty, and your understanding! Here’s a sample of what people had to say:
What life lessons did you learn from your mom?
• Don’t take too long to shuffle the cards. It drives people crazy.
• Don’t be so dramatic.
• Don’t be like me.
• Don’t waste money, water, or electricity.
• It doesn’t hurt to ask.
• Be kind to children.
• Always put your best foot forward in everything you do.
• Go for what you want in life.
• Creativity is a good thing.
• Do for each of your children what they need.
• When you go to dinner at someone’s house, bring a cake.
• When you receive a gift, write a nice thank you note. Do it now!
• Try it, you may like it
. • Enjoy life today, you could be hit by a bus tomorrow.
• Honesty, loving-kindness, selflessness, humility, femininity, grace.
• Aging is on the viewer’s mind.
• A woman needs to be educated, have a career and a profession. You never know what is going to happen to you, you always need to be able to support yourself and stand on your own two feet.
• Live and enjoy the moment. That became a positive internal tape: that I can do anything and that I am beautiful.
• Due to my mother’s inability to manage her own life, I learned to do many adult things and my opinion was widely used even when I was a little girl; The positive, of course, is that it prepared me tremendously to take responsibility as an adult and taking it for granted that I could do those things.
• My mom taught me about unconditional love and acceptance. She was very tolerant / tolerant and allowed me to experience things for myself without judging myself. She was also accepting and helping many of my friends during my teens, something I tried to do for my children and their friends as well!
• Mom had two distinct personalities, one generally happy and cheerful and the other dark and unhappy, so I had to make adjustments in the way I thought of her. I started to see the light and dark sides in others, too, but with others, the line of separation was not as clear. As I grew older, I learned to fight against the dark influences of others and to enjoy the lighter sides that people offered.
• How to listen without projection or attachment and with love to others, especially those you love. Trust that they will find the right path for their unique path.
• At my mother’s funeral, an actor who had worked with her on stage in her later years (started on Broadway before meeting my father) spoke of a local parade in which the cast was asked to participate. This actor was reluctant to do so. My mother scolded him “You have to love him!” He said that he changed his attitude completely and that he had learned a lot working with her as a professional actress. This is a side of my mother that I never knew. Now I launch myself into projects with more abandon, remembering his words.
I am not naive enough to believe that all mothers are a positive influence on their children at all times. But I do know that people, including our own parents, come into our lives for a reason. Even in a less than wonderful childhood, I believe there are positive lessons we can learn from our relationships with our mothers. As you take a moment to look back, see if you can find anything you learned from Mom that was helpful to you. Acknowledge that contribution in whatever way makes sense. Now think about the short-term and long-term decisions you make regarding your own children … that’s a legacy you are giving them. I hope it is an affirmation of life.
