There are times in life when being single and alone can be especially difficult. We can look around and see all our friends seemingly settled down, building nests and content, perhaps even contemplating starting families of their own. We may find ourselves wondering what’s wrong with us, why isn’t it me?
If we have been searching for our special someone for a long time, we may have gradually become less demanding. When we finally find someone nice, we may miss or choose to ignore the signs that our new him or her is not right for us. What may be obvious to close family and friends is that you are too good for him.
Problems can start to arise when;
– We know someone who needs exactly what we are desperate to give them. We may have a bottomless well of love, support, understanding and encouragement that has not been directed for a long time and now there is someone to care for, nurture and root for. Check though. Are we being seduced into becoming a continuous giver? It can be seductive to be looked at adoringly, ‘that way’, by someone who is seemingly helpless and in need of rescuing.
– Trust your gut. If you start to feel uncomfortable or spot telltale signs that this pattern of behavior is working well for him, you should bring it up, hit the pause button on the relationship, ask them to behave more independently, or suggest they seek therapy. It is when the situation becomes permanently one way and we start to feel used and belittled that we can start to question whether we are too good for him.
– It may be time to check our own behavior. also. Are we advising our new partner as if we know what’s best for him? Are we treating them like a mini-project, where we anticipate that our advice, encouragement, and goal setting will help them realize their potential and achieve amazing results? If that’s the case, a better question may be whether you share those goals and aspirations.
– People bring different qualities and attributes. to a relationship One may be prettier, younger, more financially secure, better educated, or more successful in certain areas. Friends and family may wonder what is going on, may be worried that their friend is being cheated on, is too good for their new partner. They may be suspicious of the reasons behind the relationship. But each person brings to a relationship their own attributes and contributions that are sometimes impossible to quantify. It’s important to maintain an appreciation for the niceties that go on behind closed doors.
– We have all met people who are drains, while others are radiators. Some people seem programmed to always be the ones to drink. Perhaps they are seriously damaged, distrustful of others, with no ability to reciprocate. If we don’t set boundaries in place and declare when we’ve given enough that we want a little TLC in return, we may end up feeling resentful as their sense of entitlement grows. When we allow the situation to continue, that is our responsibility. Being good doesn’t require becoming a doormat.
– Sometimes the very things that turn us on at first become the things that ultimately turn us off. The happy-go-lucky charmer may have seemed friendly, laid-back, and fun at the start of our relationship. But over time we can despair at their lack of motivation, their apparent laziness, and lack of personal effort or interest. Being good means accepting others as they are and realizing that sometimes we change, our needs change, what we seek in a relationship can change.
– We may get tired of always being the one making plans, earns money, wants to progress in life, strives to do new things. Explain how you feel and keep honest channels of communication open from which to negotiate improvements. But is he really the one who has changed, or have they simply outgrown the unspoken original foundation on which their relationship was built? Is it time to respectfully move on?
– We teach people how to treat us. If we comply, are sometimes not sure what to say, fear any hint of confrontation or argument, are nervous, or lack confidence about how to change things, we may accept bad behavior. But being good enough means reminding others of your worth, your value, and that you deserve to be treated well. On a practical level, you could remind them of what you’ve done and teach them to appreciate you; even weekly chores, hosting a social event, being the regular driver, are all cherishable.
– Ask for commitment. “I’ll do this for you, but I want you to return the favor and do it for me.” Small steps at first can make big changes and introduce a more balanced relationship over time. Be accountable to your limits and say when you feel you have done enough.
When you change the dynamic of your relationship and insist on a more adult, balanced energy, everyone begins to behave in a more adult way. Celebrate your uniqueness and recognize that we are all good in our own way. Our goal is to be ourselves but at the same time demonstrate mutual respect and appreciation for others.
