Has your partner ever said to you, “You’re too sensitive?”
Okay, let’s be more precise about this; Has your partner repeatedly told you that you are too sensitive? Because chances are, if he’s told you once, he’s said it a thousand times.
Why?
We’ll get to that in a moment. First, let’s tackle the really important question: How has that left you?
How do you feel about being labeled ‘too sensitive’?
Clearly, I don’t know you, and I can’t tell how you think, but I guess it leaves you feeling small, needy, pathetic, and very, very flawed. It can also make you feel insecure in your relationship. Accusing another person of being ‘too sensitive’ tends to make her feel as if her partner has exposed a very dark, ugly and immature feeling at the very core of her being.
In short, it makes them feel unpleasant.
It can make them question the value of their relationship.
There is a reason for this. Calling someone “too sensitive” isn’t just a throwaway comment, triggered by frustration; is, in reality, a well-calculated spike with a poisonous hidden agenda.
“You are too sensitive” is a code
“You are too sensitive” is code; a code that, I suspect, you have not been translating correctly, until now. If he had, he probably wouldn’t have given his defendant the chance to stab him with that razor-sharp barb, over and over again.
“But,” you might object, “I’m very sensitive.” You might even say, “I’m too sensitive.”
There is a distinction here that we need to clarify. When you say you’re ‘too sensitive’, or even ‘too sensitive’, what you really mean is this: “I can get hurt very easily; it doesn’t take much. I really wish it wasn’t.” , but it is. There doesn’t seem to be much I can do about it.”
Acknowledging the acuity of your sensitivity tends to be an apology of sorts. You wish you could change it, but you can’t; at least not with the tools currently available to you.
When a partner, or another close person, tells you that you are ‘too sensitive’, it is apparently because they wish you could change. It’s not like they’re offering you clues as to how you might reduce that sensitivity. They don’t really know how you could reduce that sensitivity; They don’t even care. As much as they criticize you for it, your sensitivity fits very well with their agenda. But they are in no rush to admit it.
Why do they say it?
Think for a moment about the circumstances in which you have been told that you are too sensitive. It most likely happens when you feel hurt by something they said; either something they did, or didn’t do. Had you been ‘less sensitive’, they believe, you would not have reacted. In other words, you would have simply “moved on” and saved them the trouble of having to consider your feelings.
This holds true for other circumstances where your “hypersensitivity” means you would like to be comforted or reassured.
That’s not what your partner, or someone close to you, had in mind.
When they say, “You’re too sensitive,” what they really mean is this: “Please don’t come out with me about your feelings, I don’t want to hear about them.” There is also more, and there is nothing better.
“You are too sensitive” is an abbreviation for; “I’m really not ready to take your feelings into account. In fact, I’m really upset when you visit them. As far as I’m concerned, this is the way I think our relationship should work: I can say whatever I want.” to you, and you will deal with it, without making a fuss and trying to make me feel bad about it. What’s wrong with you, anyway?
“What’s wrong with you, anyway?”
The question, “What’s wrong with you, anyway?” is the key to your partner’s thinking. There must be something wrong with you, or else you would respond to whatever they said or did exactly the way they want you to respond. In other words, what they wanted was for you not to respond. Whatever it was, they expected you to let them ‘get away with it’. And you didn’t.
It’s not like you’ve taken a firm stand; everything but. A firm position would have meant saying, “This is unacceptable.” Then you’d make yourself scarce, as far as they’re concerned. His accuser would duly get the message that he was out of commission and would need to clean up his act, or else he would lose it.
Whether or not they would clean up their act is another story. But if it meant an early end to a damaging relationship that would end in unhappiness anyway, then his strong stand has paid off. It has saved you time and suffering. And if it focused their minds, and led them to behave better in the future, even better.
“Oh, don’t do that!”
But simply asking your accuser to behave and/or speak to you differently is as ineffective as telling a child, “Oh, don’t do that!” All it conveys is his weakness and his reluctance to act.
He leaves his accuser free to repeat the pattern over and over again. He will continue to speak and act as he pleases and when you object he will reproach you, again, for ‘being too sensitive’. With that simple phrase he has blamed you for the pain of the situation. With a simple play on words, he has blamed you for the situation, so he comes out smelling like roses. Or, at least, the closest you can get to smelling like roses.
How did you get into a messy relationship like that in the first place?
Here’s the irony: It happened, in part, because of his sensitivity. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with being sensitive; There is not. However, his accuser has a finely tuned nose and can smell sensitivity from a mile away. He or she knows that he or she can exploit that sensitivity to gain control over another person. They know exactly how to do it, as you know, at your expense.
So what will you do differently about your sensitivity going forward?
First, you become much more alert; you learn that someone who is prepared to ignore your ‘sensitivity’ is telling you that they will totally and completely ignore your feelings. You give those people a big margin. Second, you learn to honor and manage that sensitivity; treat it with respect and other people will also treat you with respect.
