“I want a girlfriend” is a phrase I read and hear a lot. I also hear some men say “I need a girlfriend.” I’ve also had men ask me “how do I get a girlfriend?”. My usual response is “why do you want (or need) one so badly?”
Somehow, somewhere, Some men have been conditioned to think that their lives would be more meaningful if they had a girlfriend. “But I feel like a freak if I don’t have one,” says Jeremy, a 22-year-old college senior. “Most of my friends have one. I feel like a loser.”
I hear this from men of all ages and backgrounds. The problem here that I see is twofold: first, that men who say these kinds of things don’t have the different skills they need to secure a date pretty much anytime they want. Second, there is an inherent problem with thinking that one needs to have a girlfriend to feel more complete, popular, or whatever else comes to mind. Happiness and fulfillment should come from within first and then having a partner, girlfriend or romantic interest should be the icing on the cake. So if you’re one of those guys who feels like he has to have a girlfriend, that’s a huge red flag that you’re using it as a crutch. A crutch for what, you ask. It’s a crutch from facing the real, deeper issues that drive the false belief that you have to have a girlfriend.
Men who want a girlfriend come from a place of weakness, not power. For the sake of this article, power is defined as the ability to take consistent action toward a very specific purpose. For example, my friend David constantly tells me that he would like to have a girlfriend, but he plays 30-40 hours of World of Warcraft each time weakly instead of learning how to improve his social skills. That doesn’t come from a place of power. When a man desperately wants a partner, he makes him act and behave in a needy and desperate way. Women realize this even before you get close to them. You can see it in his posture, his eyes, the way he moves his arms and other aspects of his body language. Then when you speak, they can hear it in your voice and where you place your hands. You shouldn’t “want” a girlfriend or “need” a girlfriend. You must choose to have one when you meet a woman who fits your criteria, she will not play silly games with you and will complement your life, not hinder it.
Men sometimes want a girlfriend for the wrong reasons. Men should “choose” to have a girlfriend, not “need” one because they are succumbing to social pressure or a feeling of insecurity or loneliness. There are times in my life when I haven’t had a girlfriend for several months or even more than a year. That didn’t mean she didn’t date. I went on a lot of dates, but I never called any of them my girlfriend because I was at a point in my life where I didn’t want anything serious. Some women told me after a few months that they wanted to move in with me and when I said “no”, they gave me an ultimatum.
Either you take the relationship to the next level or you end it, he said (after a few months? Come on!). He would always end up right there on the spot because I never give selfish ultimatums. The point is that my self-esteem and confidence are so high that I don’t “need” a woman to cause my happiness. I think of my life as dessert and any woman who wants to join me is just the whipped cream and the strawberry on top. I realize that sounds a bit corny, but it’s a very accurate metaphor. I’m not saying that having a girlfriend is a bad thing. In fact, it’s a good thing when done for the right reasons.
So how do you make a man more attractive? The list is almost endless, but here are some tips men should seriously think about:
1. Physical appearance and hygiene: I used to worry about my height because I didn’t think I was tall enough to date tall attractive women. That was a huge waste of time and energy. I finally realized that I needed to focus on what I could control, like my weight, my muscle tone, the way I ate, using only one cologne spray (instead of half a bottle), the whiteness of my teeth , my hairstyle, etc.
2. Trust. I mean the natural confidence that comes from within, not the false “I’m such a bad boy” confidence that immature men think he’s “cool.” If you don’t have it now there is only one way to get it: by taking action; not just any action, but an action that forces you out of your comfort zone so that you really grow. Think about it, if you have approach anxiety, you’ll never get over it if you don’t get close. Remember the Rule of 25, which states that you should eventually approach no fewer than 25 women a week until you can talk to any woman, anytime, anywhere. Some men achieve this in a week, others in 3 months because we are all different, we have different levels of shyness and we may have many other things in our lives.
3. Have a life: Studies have shown that desirable men have an active social life. Let’s face it, when a woman knows that other women want you, your social value skyrockets. One way to increase your own social value is to have hobbies and interests that help enhance who you are. Playing video games versus going out and learning to dance salsa, swing, or hip-hop might be fun for you, but guess which one gives you more opportunities to meet women? If you combine this with a growing social network, you’ll naturally find yourself a very busy person with plenty of social events and opportunities to meet new faces. I can go to any major city in the world and in 90 days I can build a social network of new faces and friends that would take an average man a lifetime to build. That’s just because I’ve done it over and over again. If you stayed focused, there is very little you can accomplish.
4. Have a plan for your life: are you starting to see a trend here? Have you noticed that the focal point has been to focus on yourself first? Most people spend their entire lives reacting to it instead of sitting down and writing a rough outline of what they really want out of life. Take Samuel, a recently divorced 33-year-old accountant, for example. For many years, Samuel thought that having a girlfriend and eventually getting married was the true path to happiness, but he didn’t have the social and relationship skills to find the right partner and he ended up marrying the wrong woman. He began to wonder if this was as good as it sounds (sounds like the movie, right?).
One day Samuel called me with his dilemma and I advised him to go away for a weekend and bring a notebook and pen. He wanted him to spend the entire weekend writing down what he really wanted out of life and the reasons behind it. When he called me a week later, he was a different man. He began: “I thought I always needed a girlfriend to feel good about myself. Now I realized that it’s just one facet of life. Real satisfaction comes from within, from a sense of contribution and a sense of moving forward.”
Samuel was beginning to understand. And he finally met a woman who complemented his own life and he has never been happier.
Do you still want a girlfriend? Or do you feel like you still need one? It is very important that you look within yourself to find the answer. Remember, you should never “need” a girlfriend. You should get to a point in your life where you “choose” to have a girlfriend on your own terms. And that makes all the difference in the world. Ask Samuel.
