Has your adorable, fun-loving toddler turned into an unrecognizable fresh-mouthed “tween”? Do you wonder what went wrong? Did I make some horrible parenting mistake to make my son turn into this strange alien being? His friends don’t act like that, do they?
Rest assured, you are not alone. Most children change in pre-adolescence, that is, between the ages of 8 and 12, and develop an irritable and unpredictable attitude towards you: “THE PARENT UNITY.” They begin to see the freedoms and power of adulthood and want to grow up as quickly as possible. But of course they can’t speed up time and are therefore very impatient and frustrated and talk and act towards you. You, who make the rules and they see you as the person who doesn’t let them have fun.
Why can’t I stay up all night? Why can’t I go shopping every day? Why can’t I watch TV all day? Why can’t I walk to my friends’ house at night? And over and over again, of course, you have to say “NO” many times and then the cool and sometimes nasty tongue gets out of hand. Try these tips to help curb tongue tweening.
1. During one evening when there is harmony in the home, have a sit down talk with the preteen and both parents. Let them know that you will not tolerate foul language from them and that they will be disciplined for it. Be specific about what exactly crosses the line and what the punishment will be. You will need to allow them some behaviors that are acceptable expressions of frustration, such as rolling their eyes, deep sighs, refusing to look at you, etc. These behaviors aren’t horrible, just very annoying.
2. Stick to the plan and don’t argue with them. When they are rude, don’t get excited. Wait a moment until the tension has subsided and then tell them that they have earned a punishment of (whatever you decide is appropriate). It is very important that you do not get caught up in arguing with them. Once you tell them “No, you can’t do that because yada yada (your reason)”, walk away from them. If they keep nagging, ignore them and walk away from them. Answering them once is enough. They enjoy arguing, believe it or not, because they feel like they are controlling you, so just refuse to do it.
3. Give your teen some extra privileges as long as they’ve been behaving . Allow bedtime to be a little later. Allow her more of her own choices in clothing and room décor. Extend curfews for parties and special activities. These little liberties send a message: that mature behavior has its rewards.
Four. Assign your tween some chores around the house. Homework teaches two things. They learn that growing up means taking on some of the work of running a home and family. They also build self-esteem because they are doing something that is important.
5. Together with your preteen, plan and do some fun family activities. Even if they act like this is boring or just “don’t want to”, have them do it anyway. They may be stubborn at first, but soon they will forget about being grumpy and having a good time. Let them bring a friend if they think this will encourage participation. Your preteen needs to know that you enjoy being around him, even if he acts like he doesn’t care. Deep down they care a lot.
The tween years bring new challenges for parents. The cool words they use can be shocking and hurtful to parents. A combination of disciplining rude behavior and allowing some beginning adult responsibilities can curb this problem. Let the teen know the plan, stick to it, refuse to argue, allow some adult responsibilities, and enjoy some fun family time as well. Keep the parent-tween relationship both respectful and loving. The difficult teenage years are ahead and you want to reach age 13 and beyond with a solid foundation.
By Terry Candee RN, BSN
