How jealous would you be if your spouse or partner regularly shared a car with a much younger, more attractive business colleague, or exchanged text messages with them at night? Modern life often involves travel, increased accessibility, and flexible hours, but those requirements can bring with them an undercurrent of discomfort.
I was recently chatting with an attractive woman who was jealous of her husband’s relationship with his coworker. They were half of a successful professional couple whose children had recently left home for college. She considered herself fit, possibly a little overweight, but elegant, well dressed, current, and interesting. Yet she was aware that both she and her husband were leading increasingly separate lives, and their intimacy had practically dwindled to nothing.
She had noticed that her husband dressed more elegantly, left the house a little earlier in the morning, came home later at night, and had even caught him looking at him in the mirror before leaving for work.
I’m sure many of us would feel somewhat uncomfortable faced with this situation, but saying nothing and allowing it to continue unchecked brings repercussions.
When we feel jealous, it can be important to reflect on three areas of life;
– Your relationship You may have been left to take care of yourself for a long time, especially if your career, your children, your friends, and perhaps your elderly relatives have regularly used your time and energy. Before you know it, conversations with your husband can turn into quick updates and reminders, after which you lie in bed, stressed and exhausted. However, it is essential to dedicate some time to your relationship, or you may find yourself gradually living in a shared house with a friend.
Some couples try to make sure they have one night a week to themselves, even if they don’t actually go out. Some plan an occasional weekend together or designate their bedroom as their personal retreat. It’s important to find a way to star your relationship as worthy of your time and attention.
– What’s going on with your husband? It is not uncommon for men to reach their mid-forties or early fifties and reflect on what they have missed in their lives. They may have had a successful career, supported their family, but now all of that is coming to an end. There may be scope to discuss together how they feel, what they would like to do, perhaps what they missed doing when they were younger.
Sometimes there is a feeling of ‘is this it?’ that begins to ooze. Talk about it together and try to negotiate various options. Music, travel, a particular hobby or interest may be something you could do together or as part of an interest group. Plan to listen instead of guessing how you feel.
– How do you feel about yourself? We can find our confidence quite shaken if we suspect that there is someone younger, more attractive and attentive circling our husband’s orbit. We may have had children, are self-conscious about our bodies, are approaching menopause, or are feeling our age and are aware that we have not updated our hair, makeup, or wardrobe for some time.
If we start to feel uncomfortable or insecure about ourselves, we may be in danger of becoming someone we don’t like. A moody, angry, and resentful person may start to emerge. ‘What is happening to me?’ Do we need therapy to deal with our demons? Investing some time, energy, and money can make a difference. Even wearing matching sexy underwear can put a bit of cheek in your step!
But there are also many reasons not to blame ourselves. We may have both been busy and focused on getting through each day. Sometimes getting a wake-up call can be a valuable reminder to focus on our relationship and start taking better care of it. Feeling jealous can show that we care enough to fix it, that it annoys us and threatens us.
Sitting down and talking about things in a non-accusatory way can be a good start to addressing where you are. Own how you feel, instead of blaming yourself; Saying ‘when this happened I felt upset and jealous’ is better than saying ‘you make me feel’. Discuss what changed or went wrong and what is needed now that you are both moving into a different phase of your life and relationship. What needs to happen to improve your relationship, what steps could both of you take?
Sometimes relationship counseling can be an important part of the process, in which time is set aside for a regular appointment and invested to move on. Commitment can mean being flexible, trying new things, maybe even things that don’t initially appeal to you. It may mean speaking rather than remaining silent, or perhaps, conversely, remaining silent when you feel like having the last word.
There may be certain aspects that we cannot change, but by working on ourselves, dedicating time to each other and to our relationship, we can reinforce and build on the closeness and experiences that we have shared over the years, thus improving what is. special and unique to us and our future lives together.
