Children with special needs are prone to depression and irritability at nearly three times the rate of children who do not face unique challenges. It’s a fairly predictable occurrence: the child encounters a difficulty that isn’t hindering their peers, and they wonder if anyone had to work so hard not to have the same success as their relatively easy cohort. As a parent, of course he wants to do something to help them, and he can.
Talk about your own struggles
Talking with your special needs child about some of the most challenging times they’ve faced in their life (obviously mediated based on their maturity level of understanding) can go an extraordinary amount to help them feel less hopeless. Knowing that their main role model (you, their father) has struggled, overcome difficult situations and found a way to be successful can help them understand that success is there for them.
Be specific, but not bogged down
When you sit down to talk about your own life, it is important that you operate at a level of detail that makes it clear that you are definitely describing a real event. Do not speak in the abstract, in the passive voice or in the third person; say “I did this,” not “this happened to someone.” Talk about the salient details of the problem and go into detail about your emotional state and emotional processes. But don’t get so bogged down in the details that you lose the sense of the story; tell them only the parts that are most necessary to help them understand the point.
Frame each story in a positive light
Don’t tell stories of times when a problem made you give up, but then things worked out anyway – you don’t want to encourage them to give up! Instead, choose stories where your struggles were difficult, but you actively overcame them in the end. Point out the lessons he learned and how those lessons made you feel better about yourself and his situation.
Talk about starting early
If you didn’t get over the challenges you’re discussing until later in life, tell them why you wish you’d learned those lessons much sooner. Discuss with them how their lives might have been better if they had understood a decade earlier that (for example) advocating for their own needs would likely result in their needs being met.
empower your child
Throughout the entire discussion, remember that your goal is to empower your child. It’s good to acknowledge that your child’s struggles are real, you should also openly acknowledge that fact, but it’s also good to acknowledge that the power to overcome those challenges is in your hands.
Problems are opportunities in disguise
Ultimately, the “meta-lesson” behind these discussions is the same: that every challenge your child currently faces is an opportunity for the child to learn skills they might never otherwise have achieved. One day, in all likelihood, they will look back on that opportunity with gratitude, and that is the sign of a truly empowered individual.
