Why do people have affairs is an old question. There are many reasons why people feel the need to cheat on their spouse. In this lesson we will address some of the most common reasons. The most common reason and one of the biggest misconceptions is sex. In some cases that is true, but we will explore why this is not always the case.
As we said earlier, there are many reasons for issues. The affairs are often intense and passionate. They rarely mature into long-term relationships, although that is possible. In some cases, an affair can turn into a short-term marriage. However, if you don’t satisfy his emotional need to have an affair, he is likely to continue having affairs. In other words, until you learn to fill that void deep inside of you, you will continue to have more affairs. Both people in this relationship will need to learn to meet their physical and emotional needs. If you try to ignore or suppress these needs, the emotional pressure often leads back to an affair.
If you ever thought about having an affair, you were probably thinking about yourself. As you focus on your own needs, remember that you’re ignoring the needs of your partner (and your children, if you have any). You are very entitled to your own thoughts and desires, but if you are unaware that the relationship is a living entity (that requires your active participation) you may find yourself in a prime position to manifest an affair.
Infidelity and adventures can be defined by needs. Most of the time, a person will have an affair because their needs are not being met. In other cases, an affair may occur because a person may want something more. A classic example would be a work-related issue, such as exchanging sex for money or a promotion.
An affair is devastating for everyone involved. Even friends and extended family members are also often injured. What most people don’t realize is that the cheater and the lover (in many cases) are also hurt by this experience. It almost always causes them pain on some level. Some may fall into deep depression, often with suicidal thoughts. With all this sadness, why do so many people have affairs?
Men sometimes want (casual) sex just for the pleasure of sex. Up to 44 percent of men will have sex just for the sake of having sex. Some men admit that they pretend to be in love to have sex with women. Younger men are generally looking for a sexual adventure (a one-night stand) rather than an affair (a relationship based solely on sex), while older men are more likely to choose adventures that fill an emotional void. Motivations for affairs may be physical pleasure, hunting, the need to know one is still desired, and/or to gain sexual experience. Men (just like women) want to be with someone who can understand them. One who accepts and appreciates them. Others pay prostitutes to have a certain kind of sex, the kind of sex they don’t have in their current relationship.
Studies show that the longer a woman is married, the more likely she is to have an affair. Women have affairs for many different reasons. Some have affairs to feel connected, while others choose sexual adventures for pleasure (about 11 percent of women report this) and experience. Women are more likely than men to have an affair to deliberately hurt their partner or ex-partner. The affair will often provide a woman with emotional intimacy (that feeling of being connected). Sometimes women have affairs because they are unsure about their current partner or marriage. Women who are emotionally closest to their fathers are likely to have affairs with older men.
Note: Does oral sex constitute sex? Both men and women see more problems with their spouse having oral sex than having sex. The reason is that oral sex is considered (by most) to be more intimate. This seems to be changing with today’s youth. Next, a report from NBC appears to confirm this finding.
For many teens (43%), oral sex is not considered as important as intercourse. Boys and girls see this somewhat differently. While nearly half of boys (47%) think oral sex isn’t as important as intercourse, fewer girls feel that way (38%). This isn’t to say that teens downplay its importance: Fifty-five percent of teens say it’s very important to be in love before having oral sex. Somewhat more (68%) say that it is very important to be in love before having sex. – NBC News 2005
So what is the difference between the feelings that men and women have? The biggest difference is that a woman feels betrayed by her spouse if she has an emotional bond with the one who is cheating on her. With a man, it is the vision of her spouse having sex with someone other than himself. This is not to say that women are okay with their spouse having sex with another woman, but meaningless sex without commitment or emotional involvement seems to be a little easier to accept. This is interesting because women who have affairs often begin theirs with an emotional connection that ultimately leads to sex.
Is the grass greener on the other side? Well, the truth is that only about 10 percent of those who have an affair will stay together with the person they had the affair with. So the grass is greener on the other side? Probably not. Know that people who have affairs are not all bad people. For some it may be as simple as a learned behavior. We know that children of parents who have had an affair are at higher risk of having an affair themselves. For others, it may just be an opportunity that has presented itself. My personal feeling is that it all goes back to needs. If you’re not getting what you need from your relationship, you’re statistically at higher risk of cheating. Please don’t take what I say as the matter is an acceptable solution to meet your needs. It’s the opposite. If you were sure of yourself and your self-esteem, you would maturely communicate your needs to your partner.
In my personal experience, I have found that only a handful of people have ever said that the grass is greener on the other side. Those I have worked with who have committed an act of infidelity say they wish they had left the relationship instead of having an affair. Or they say they wish they had tried a little harder to convince their spouse that the relationship was in jeopardy. No matter what the outcome, few are left with a good feeling about what they’ve done.
