“It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.”
– Arthur Conan Doyle
Adjusting to changed living conditions after the death of a loved one is clearly a long-term journey. The process involves believing in yourself to grow, change, and become resilient. In addition, this transition implies becoming aware that the little things mean a lot for the acceptance of a different way of life without the loved one. Therefore, acquiring new knowledge about loss and change is essential to cope well.
All of the above not only takes a long time, but often turns into a series of stressful events when we try to let go of our most family life. Here are five little actions you can take on a daily basis to help transition to accepting the unfamiliar life that must become your new normal.
1. Reduce the time you spend watching television. Many of the news programs, as well as entertainment programs, feature negative programming. A common fact of life on television news is, “If it bleeds, it drives.” Broadcasting thrives on bad news. Spending some time observing the sadness of others, whether real or fictional, will only add to the normal sadness you are already feeling or trigger a “pain attack.” Find a replacement for the television. Play soothing music from one of the music channels, or choose to only watch shows that won’t increase your stress index.
2. Intentionally doing something different. For example, start the day on a positive note. Read a favorite poem, an inspirational line from a quote book, or a special prayer. Make it a habit over time. The new actions and the resulting routines are an integral part of establishing a framework to adjust to the absence of our loved ones. After a week, add another new routine in the afternoon. It could be a visit to a favorite place, going to a mall where you can walk, help an older person, or write a few lines in a journal. Keep working to create the new circumstances in your life as you want them to unfold.
3. Evaluate what you are talking about, either to yourself or when you are with friends or acquaintances. The words we speak silently or out loud have tremendous power to heal or prolong unnecessary suffering. Ask yourself if you are speaking from the victim’s point of view or from a resolute and restorative point of view. Learn to tell your story honestly, sincerely, and with great care. We all need to tell our stories of how the death of our loved one happened and affected us. It is part of our journey through pain.
4. Reprogram your unconscious mind to help you adjust to the tasks of grief. This is not a difficult job because the unconscious does not judge and is always open to suggestions. Simply carry out the assignments that you entrust to him. In fact, how you are responding right now is part of the information stored in the unconscious over the years. Program your unconscious mind with whatever you want. Imagine how you want to adapt to the changes you face. See yourself making those changes. Then reinforce your unconscious with concepts such as: “I am strong; I am capable; I am determined; I am energized by love, I am worthy.”
5. Carry a pen and small notebook with you to periodically list the good things that happen during a given day. We tend to overlook or forget the good things that happen when we focus on our great loss. However, they tell us that we are not alone. Our Higher Power, through our friends, relatives, co-workers, and certain so-called coincidences, is always there, even when we think we are alone. Each week find a time to sit quietly and read the notes about the good things that have happened. This will help you balance constant thoughts about difficult transitions in life. We need balance in a world that seems to lack understanding of what we are going through.
Remember that it is essential that you act; life rewards action. Adaptation demands it. You don’t have to take giant steps. The little ones will make a big difference. Just embrace patience, express your pain and you will overcome it. Coping well becomes an ongoing daily routine with occasional interruptions, so-called bad days. They will come. Let them go gently, don’t let them alarm you, and realize that they are a very normal part of the grieving process. Get back to your task of adjusting to life without the physical presence of your loved one.
