“Everything changes when you change.”
Jim Rohn
Creating a written plan to accomplish an important task or to cope with a massive life change is a prerequisite for maximizing success. All professionals tell us the same thing – write it down on paper so you can track progress and make adjustments when necessary. Doing our grievance work is no different.
And how do we achieve the objectives? The answer is to develop new habits that help us cope with change. Habits are an extremely important part of every life. They govern so many things that we do every day. Repetitive behaviors become habits.
Now that we are in mourning, developing new habits is essential to face the future. Having a written plan makes it easy to create habits. Lists of what is needed for new behaviors and thoughts will provide a concrete path to follow each day. Here are several lists to consider.
1. The “to do” list. This may be the most common list recommended by anyone who wants to help us organize our thoughts and accomplish some of the essentials for dealing with pain. It is especially important when we are in mourning, as our sadness also brings considerable confusion. It’s easy to forget the things that need to be done. Prepare it the night before for the next day. Use a calendar to list appointments and other meetings that are several days away.
2. The balance list. Balancing the stress of grief with self-care is a critical coping response. Make a list of activities that you have enjoyed in the past and those that you are still doing. Whenever you find something you’ve enjoyed for a while, add it to your list. So be sure to participate in one of her enjoyable balancing activities every day. Activities where you are alone or with other people count, as long as they give you a sense of liberation and peace. Loneliness is good for you in low doses.
3. The gratitude list. This is where you begin to examine all that you have accomplished and all that goes through each day. Emphasizing being grateful for things that are taken for granted can have a powerful impact in bringing reassurance to our search for meaning after a great loss. If you want peace of mind, start a daily gratitude list and be aware that you have made progress.
At the end of each day, review what happened and what you want to acknowledge as “I’m glad it happened.” Put it on the list and add it every day. Keep thinking in terms of the attitude of gratitude as a coping response and something you can use for the rest of your life. As time passes and this list grows, use it to remind yourself of all your successes.
4. The gift list. There is a universal coping strategy that has been proven time and again to lead deep grief to the next rich chapter in life. It is simply learning to be a kinder and more generous person even while crying. It never fails to enrich the bereaved and help him get through the most difficult moments. The key is to develop a “generous self-image,” seeing yourself as the good person you were created for, regardless of your past experiences.
There are always others who need something that you have the ability to give. Think carefully about your Donation List: a smile, a thank you, a shirt or blouse, an understanding ear (even while crying), an “I love you”, a special photo, holding an open door, a dessert, a compliment, and so on.
5. The list of memories. The loving memories and the kindness they represent are constant grieving tools that are always ready to remember and shower. Begin to list the memories of your loved one that you want to be permanent in your thinking life. They can be old or recent memories, depending on how they make you feel. Also, list the new love memories since the death of your loved one. What was said? Where did it happen? Get all the details on paper so you can instantly remember them and share their powerful energy.
When time permits, review the loving memories of your life and add them to your list. Go back to your childhood and happy memories to begin the process.
6. The Pardon List. Forgiveness is an extremely powerful healing strategy. Why? Because without it your entire capacity to love and be kind is compromised. At the top of this list should be you, specifically all the things that you have not forgiven yourself for doing or not doing, including those that you have labeled failures. Write down each one of them and each morning look at the list and what will be forgiven today. I can’t stress enough how important it is to forgive yourself and keep limiting beliefs from stressing you out. Get rid of these emotional scars. You’re a good person.
Next on the list should be the people you hold a grudge against and haven’t forgiven. They could be people who said the wrong thing at the wrong time, didn’t help you when you needed it, or hurt you at different stages of life. Get rid of all these burdens by forgiving. Sit quietly, see each person in their thoughts and say the words: “I forgive.”
7. The shopping list. “Wait,” you say. “Why do I need to make a shopping list?” Simply because the vast majority of mourners, due to the stress of loss, back away from quality food and drink. Many increase their intake of caffeine and mood foods and decrease essential nutritional elements. The result is dehydration, eventual illness, loss of energy, and increased isolation.
Be sure to put two things on every shopping list: spring water and some form of protein. Both are crucial for the proper functioning of the brain. A handful of protein (which is not a large serving) is essential for each of the three meals, especially breakfast. Green fruits and vegetables are a must. Drink some water as soon as you get to the kitchen in the morning before eating.
In short, the very act of writing is a useful coping response. Add and cross items to your lists as you manage them. You can use a single notebook to hold all of your lists or put them on separate sheets of paper. Check them out daily, starting with your “to do” list. If you feel overwhelmed by writing too much, start with the two or three lists that are most important to your well-being or have deep personal meaning. Then gradually expand to other areas of interest in the days and weeks to come.
