three little words
How important are three little words in a person’s life? It seems so often that life-changing events depend on three little words. I have cancer. Love you. You are fired.
Please marry me? It seems strange to me that we can easily say so much in so few words, with an impact that in many cases is immediate and clear. But what about the three words we use that we are not aware of? We use them every day, all the time, in books, movies, music, news, TV, when we want to make a point or just tell a joke. What we don’t realize is that just as the above examples have an impact, so do these words. There are two sentences, each containing three words that are hurting our children in ways that are the spiritual equivalent of throwing a baseball bat at them. So what are they? Very simply, we tell our boys ‘Be a man’, and at the expense of our daughters, we use the phrase ‘like a girl’ and don’t mean it as a compliment.
This whole topic came to my attention when Always designed the #LikeaGirl campaign; hired director Lauren Greenfield to direct an empowering ad that addressed this negative narrative. The challenge would be to change the meaning of the phrase to equate it with strength, confidence, and empowerment. What follows is a short video in which Lauren asks some teen girls, boys, men, and women to “act it out” by running like a girl, fighting like a girl, and throwing like a girl. What followed is a fun series of what can only be described as over the top “faffing”. But once the laughter dies down, the director asks ten-year-old Dakota to run around like a girl, and the reality of what we’re laughing about hits home. We have been totally misled by the cultural need to rank anything feminine to mean weak. Dakota and the other tween girls run with all their might, throw like they’re pitching for an Olympic cricket or baseball team, and fight like they grew up watching Jackie Chan and the Avengers reunite. They are not concerned with how their hair looks or being ‘delicate’. They want to win the race, the fight, the game, and that’s when we’re ashamed. Because when did being ‘girlish’ become something to be ashamed of? An insult? Why, as one of the young participants asks, can’t it mean ‘winning the race’?
Research by Always and Lauren Greenfield suggests that it is between the ages of nine and twelve that our daughters are most vulnerable to realizing the ‘truth’ of the insult. This is supported by recent reports from the UK government that girls start to lose interest in sport around the age of eight and no longer want to take part in physical education lessons.
At the most crucial stage of our development in terms of identity establishment, the loss of innocence that inevitably occurs when our children enter puberty, they are fed a barrage of negative messages about their self-esteem and gender roles.
This is not exclusive to young girls. As I mentioned before, the phrase ‘Be a man’ is just as damaging. In 2011, director Jennifer Siebel Newsoms made the film Miss Representation which addresses the harmful representation of women. Following this film and the positive response to it at the Sundance Film Festival, Newsoms founded missrepresentationproject.org to highlight and challenge the representation of women in the media. In 2013 she evolved to become The Representation Project, which works to address issues faced by both men and women, with the clear belief that limiting stereotypes hurts us all.
By visiting his site, you will be able to watch his movie The Mask You Live In. This short film features interviews with coaches, teachers, psychologists, and youth. One of the people who participate affirms that the three most destructive words that a boy will hear in his life are ‘Be a man’.
What becomes very clear is that it seems almost like the other side of a coin, with like a girl on the other side. We live in a culture that does not value femininity, where respect is linked to violence and power is associated with domination. This is what we are teaching the youth. That they should not cry, because that would be weak. That they have to be big and strong, not wimpy and wimpy. That strength is exerting physical power without exhibiting sensitivity and kindness.
Quite worryingly, during a session with some young people when asked what they felt they were constantly hiding, the overwhelming response was anger. In the US, less than 50% of boys and men seek help for mental health problems, and every day 3 or more boys commit suicide. In the UK, men are three and a half times more likely to commit suicide than women. It has been suggested that this is a result of changing gender roles and the recession, the pressures they feel to ‘be a man’ and be responsible for the total well-being of their family. It could also suggest that our cultural obsession with men who don’t cry, show emotion, talk or express themselves might be leading to an unhealthy place for them, leaving them isolated and without support. What do we say as a twist of phrase? Oh, he’s just a man, they don’t like to talk. Maybe because he’s never made them feel like it’s okay for them to talk?
The way things currently stand as a society through the media, our cultural exchanges, and our everyday language, we are delivering a narrative to our children about what it is to be a man or a woman and it is not a healthy narrative.
So what do we do? Is it really gloomy? Can you change the discourse of an entire culture? I believe that we can and there are many ways that we can do this.
A number of initiatives are taking place in the UK to empower young women. These include Amazing Young Women, a group created to help and support young people ages 12-19; They are based in North Wales and run workshops, community and residential programmes.
She is You is another group hard at work creating an initiative to help young girls feel comfortable in their own skin, based in London.
There are a variety of youth leadership programs that include young men, such as the Carnegie Trust and Youth Enterprise, however it’s harder to find something specifically for young men and their emotional well-being. Young Minds and Action for Children work hard to support young people’s mental health, but have yet to address the issue directly.
There is a lot of discussion in the media about gender neutrality in toys and clothing with the #LetClothesBeClothes and #LetToysBeToys campaign, which is great news for all of us. It is certainly part of the larger problem. I would suggest, however, that until we address the very harmful way we use language with each other, our children, and what is heard from the media, we are fighting an uphill battle. That is why the work of the Representation and Always Project is so important. Creating awareness, public pressure, and debate keeps reality fresh in our minds. And that is what we, as parents and guardians, must maintain, attention to the language we use and awareness of how precious our words are. Maybe in time they will learn that being a man means many things, not just one, and that maybe, just maybe, being like a girl is something extraordinary.
