Gonna? Most of us get angry from time to time, but some of us have a hard time keeping our anger under control. It can rear its ugly head far too many times than is considered acceptable, not only by others, but also by our own standards.
I don’t consider myself an angry person, and yet lately I’ve noticed my fuse getting shorter and shorter. However, what really started to concern me is my reaction to my 6-year-old daughter at night.
For some reason, instead of being the loving, caring, caring mother that I pride myself on being, at night I turn into something of an imp and my fuse isn’t short, it’s completely non-existent.
The other night my daughter had a nightmare. After being awake twice at 12:30 am and 1:00 am, it was now 2:00 am and, to be honest, she wasn’t buying the nightmare excuse.
I guess the crying and screaming ‘mom’ should have confirmed said nightmare, but for some reason I didn’t feel empathetic.
At first I tried to reassure her by hugging and covering her, but all hell broke loose when I started to head back to bed. She started screaming and crying because she couldn’t close her eyes because her dream kept coming back.
With my 17 year old stepson sleeping downstairs, I was doing everything I could to keep my daughter from waking him up as he had an HSC exam the next day. No amount of reason was putting my daughter at ease now and she was officially ‘losing her mind’!
Every time she tried to leave her room the screams got louder and more desperate… Now from me, not from her. I had never hit my daughter, and yet I felt so close to her that it scared me.
In the morning I was incredibly sorry for the way I reacted and promised to be more patient and understanding if this happened again.
But why am I so angry?
Several of my clients have told me that anger is one of the biggest problems in their relationships. Sometimes the anger is directed towards the relationship and sometimes it is directed outside of it.
The interesting thing is that both seem to have the same negative effect.
Anger is a primitive emotion, useful for warding off enemies. He also has the ability to manipulate and denigrate those who are not so “angry” and is often interpreted as power.
Studies have even shown that anger can increase perceived social status by feigning importance.
So it’s no wonder many of us think that the only way to be heard is to get angry. We are programmed to accept anger as something more powerful, informed, and superior, and we are more likely to give in to someone who is angry with us.
Underlying feelings of frustration, discomfort, hurt, worry, shame, or fear can be the cause of this anger, and anger is how these feelings are expressed.
The problem with anger is that it has the inability to fix a problem without causing more residual negative feelings to arise.
Anger occurs when we feel that something has been ‘done’ to us. It is an emotion that usually has an external component. Even when we are angry with ourselves, anger begins after something has happened that ‘makes us angry’.
The real problem with anger is that, if not handled properly, it can have far-reaching negative effects on both personal and professional relationships.
People with anger management problems are more likely to get into verbal or physical fights, suffer from low self-esteem, have anxiety or depression, and have alcohol or substance abuse problems.
The strange thing about anger is that not everyone shows it the same way.
Some people express it aggressively. Yelling, yelling, destroying property, intimidating, threatening, showing off, ignoring the needs of others, and perpetrating violence are examples of this.
On the other hand, anger can be expressed passively. Being evasive, being evasive, using psychological manipulation, being secretive, withdrawn, or blaming oneself are all forms of this type of anger.
These may not be the kind of stereotypical “movie” rage we’re used to seeing in the media, but that doesn’t make them any more acceptable or any less dangerous.
Actually, I think sometimes these can be worse, as they often last much longer than the violent aggressive type.
Okay, so how should we (and I) handle anger?
Like anything, different people are going to find different strategies that work for them. The most important thing to do is pay attention to the warning signs and take action right away so you don’t end up getting angry and losing control.
If you feel your temperature rising, your face getting flushed, your palms sweaty, your mouth dry, your muscles tense, or you can’t hear what’s being said properly, you’re probably experiencing the warning signs of anger.
Once you are in a state of anger, you can become irrational, illogical, impulsive, overwhelmed, or out of control. This is when your decision-making processes will be biased, you will be more likely to engage in risky behavior, and violence, either passive or aggressive, will ensue.
Here are some simple tips to help reduce your anger when those warning signs occur:
- Take a deep breath in and count to 20. Close your eyes if possible, then exhale slowly. Repeat this a couple of times and if there is someone in front of you who still wants to be confrontational, explain what you are doing.
- Take a break time’. Walking away from the situation can immediately ease his anger. Give yourself time to lower your heart rate. It takes at least 20 minutes to do this, so go for a walk, read a book, or watch a movie. Remember to take deep breaths to get your blood flowing well again.
- Try to create a ‘happy place’. Some people find it helpful to have a place they love already built into their memory to go to when things get tense. Imagining a place where you feel comfortable, safe, and secure is best, but even a fun place is helpful. I love snowboarding so it’s always my happy place. Go there in your mind and suddenly the situation in front of you is not as bad as you thought.
- Use a script to control your thinking. When you feel your temperature rising, start a positive conversation with yourself. Say something like “This may upset me but I can handle it,” “I’m calm and in control,” or “I have power over my emotions,” over and over in your head until you believe it and get your check back.
- Communicate differently. Instead of blaming the other person or situation, try to find the source of their anger before continuing. If you need to take a few minutes to do so, so be it. Ask yourself what you feel besides being angry. Is it frustration, loneliness or sadness? Then find out what is the need in you that is not being met. This will give you time to calm down and you can express why you are angry, rather than just being angry.
Your ongoing anger management can also benefit from doing any of the following:
- Give meditation a try. This ancient practice has been used for centuries to calm the mind and heal the body and is as relevant today as ever. Our fast-paced lives leave little time for quiet reflection and we are often so busy ‘doing’ that we forget to ‘live’. There are plenty of great online programs for meditation and if you can attend a live class you would definitely benefit.
- Write down everything that makes you angry or upset. Some people like to keep a journal to reread what they feel and others like to take the paper and burn it. I keep a journal, but I can totally see the benefits of destroying those feelings in writing. My clients who use this technique often report that they immediately felt a sense of relief and the ability to let go of what was bothering them. Do both and see what works best for you.
- Increase your exercise or play a contact sport. I have to admit, there’s nothing more satisfying than beating the life out of a punching bag, especially when you’re angry. When I was going through a rough patch, boxing was my savior. Twice a week I would take out all my anger and frustration on the bags and gloves. However, simply getting out there and going for a walk, jog, bike ride, horseback ride, surfing, swimming, or whatever you enjoy will help flood your brain with positive hormones and make you feel better about life in general. Besides, you’ll be too tired to get angry. Big bonus there!
- Learn to communicate more effectively. Sometimes the reason we get angry is because we feel misunderstood. I know that I feel incredibly frustrated and very angry with my daughter when I feel ignored. Learning to communicate through nonviolent communication has helped us a lot. We talk about our feelings, our needs, and our requests of others, and while it may seem drawn out at times, it actually ends up being more efficient in the long run.
- Learn to relax. This may seem simple, and yet many of us have a complete inability to relax. With smartphones, tablets, laptops, and the internet in our faces, turning off 24/7 is becoming a real problem. Find something you enjoy doing, or better yet, try doing nothing. I realized a year ago that I missed dancing, not just any dance but ballet. So I found an adult class and started once a week again. I love it! It’s my time away from my responsibilities and I’m so busy trying to remember the choreography that I completely forget what awaits me when I get back home or to the office.
So the next time my daughter wakes up in the middle of the night and starts to lose her temper, I know I have a few tools in my belt to handle it. I will take a few deep breaths and remember that I am a loving, caring, caring mother.
