Values are a set of beliefs that shape our lives. They are the principles that constitute the core of our being and define who we are and how we choose to be, do or have. They determine what is important to us. They answer the questions: Why am I different from other people? Why do I choose to do certain things and avoid others? Why do I behave in a certain way? Why am I attracted to some people and not others? Why am I willing to die? What do I commit to? And many others.
Everyone has values; although many people go through life without really knowing what they are. Some people may know some of their values but are acting on an unconscious level, like an autopilot. Most of the situations we face in life are acted upon as if they were an automatic reaction: we are not really aware that it is our values that are making us choose how to deal with these situations.
Our values are related to our culture, our society and our own experience. We receive our values from the important people in our lives: first, parents; then family, friends and other influential people, such as religious leaders, teachers, political and artistic personalities, society in general, etc. In fact, we keep borrowing stocks and trading them until we reach a certain level of maturity and know decidedly which ones serve us best. But they’re not on fire yet.
This is very interesting because as we change our beliefs about certain things, we also change our values. Some of our values are never static. Do you remember the story of John Newton, the composer of Amazing Grace? Now, he used to be a slave trader and, during an epiphany, he changed his mind. He changed his values 180 degrees; from yellow to green or from vinegar to wine. His is a great story. How many more are there and what direction did they take? Although I forgot his name, I met a man who used to be a rancher and suddenly realized the suffering he was inflicting on his animals and became an ardent advocate for animal rights. His change in values was also drastic in terms of making him a vegan, a total vegetarian who avoids anything with an animal ingredient, when dressing and eating.
Even we, in our normal life, can come to a great change in our values. Every decision we make stems from a value we hold dear. For example, for some, patriotism is a great value to behold; for others, education is more important. For some a lie indicates dishonesty; while others couldn’t care less about a white lie here and there. Things get shaky when we sometimes have to choose between two conflicting values; For example, you love your country but you are also a pacifist. What happens when your country goes to war? How to deal with this internal conflict?
The more paradoxical situations we experience in life, the more interesting it becomes to maintain our values. This is easily demonstrated with highly debatable issues like abortion, for example. Suppose a friend of yours becomes pregnant and needs support to cause an abortion. You love your friend very much, but your value is that no one should die for whatever reason. Even her friend has serious doubts about this decision, even though circumstances prevent her from having a baby. How do you deal with the situation? When we think about our values, there are always pros and cons to them, and this is largely explained by the fact that some people hold certain beliefs and others don’t. Now, this is where the judgments come from.
If we want to understand who we are, we must be aware of the values we hold dear. If we want to understand others, we must know their values. It is this learning about our own and their values that will help us to be tolerant of the diverse world around us, and to accept people as they are. Our relationships will thrive, especially our love relationships: a better understanding of ourselves and our partner will lead to a better relationship overall, and as a product of this understanding, we will find happiness.
That is why it is so important to know our values. Our values determine who we are and give us directions about where we want to be, what we want to have, and what we want to do. It is based on our values that we determine our goals, objectives and directions.
