When we got married a couple of decades ago, I was an asset to my spouse, and my spouse was an asset in my life. Marriage is also a product, with a limited shelf life. In the good old days, marriage was a long-term investment: “Till death do us part.” Today, marriage is a short-term investment. Soon, it will be a trader’s investment. Now we are neither an asset nor a liability to each other. We just live a colorless, neutral life, without emotions or enthusiasm.
because the problem
These days, spouses are: overly ambitious, with giant egos, preferring to isolate themselves from in-laws, and believe that ‘family’ means only the new family: me and my spouse. Spouses believe that old relationships, in-laws, and past life are irrelevant after marriage.
Can we afford to be ungrateful to parents?
Can we forget the wonderful time we shared and their sacrifices?
They gave us their time and took care of us, when we were vulnerable.
Are they now in second childhood, in old age?
Will we abandon them in nursing homes?
We have to do the right action:
(1) There are no broken homes, the children need us.
(2) There are no nursing homes, we owe gratitude to our parents.
We see broken families all around, spouses having an ego clash and unable to reconcile. They could not ask for forgiveness and wanted the spouse to repent first. Now they repent of obstinacy, they show themselves.
a new universe
Each couple is the source of a new universe of humanity, similar to Adam and Eve. Unlike animals, human couples have longer partnerships. Marriage is a benchmark of human civilization. The longer our marriage survives with dignity, the higher we will have set the benchmark. No other species shares such strong, lifelong bonds.
To do?
Married life can seem to some of us like a perpetually negative and incurable experience. The alternatives are far from satisfying:
(1) A broken home, and
(2) Let’s carry on: let’s keep the status quo for the sake of the children.
There is no way out: spouses must resolve differences with a flexible attitude.
SWOT analysis of the typical married life of a middle-aged couple
*Strengths
They are a retired couple, self employed, well settled and in good health; who are self-sufficient, financially, socially and emotionally. They are a family blessed with children and grandchildren well employed, adults and married. The spouses were always loyal and faithful to each other. They may not have harmony in life yet. Being a devoted husband/wife or a parent is an essential condition, but it is not a sufficient condition for harmony between spouses. They may be living together without love and respect.
Living together without mutual love and respect is hell.
Living with a spouse who loves and respects you is heaven.
*Weaknesses
Familiarity breeds contempt. Imperfect – only God is perfect – the spouses observe imperfections in the other:
(1) Inability to forget the injuries of decades, mutually caused by the spouses with indiscreet comments,
(2) Inability to behave diplomatically with each other’s parents and siblings,
(3 Inability to share life in middle age, since there is very little to share in life, when the main duty of preparing children is successfully completed.
(4) There is a cold and mechanical communication between the middle-aged spouses, mainly on administrative matters only. Lack of love in life due to ego clashes and past hurts. Even if they still love each other, they feel shy to exhibit romance or express love with romantic words from the honeymoon period in old age.
*Opportunities:
(1) Now is the time to live for each other. No worries, no goals to achieve for one’s own or children’s career, and no interference from each other’s in-laws.
(2) Just learn to respect the views of others and show warmth towards your spouse’s parents and siblings. These are some desirable qualities that we must instill.
(3) Spouses may still have common problems: (a) love or cold behavior from daughter/son-in-law, (b) sharing warm childhood memories of spouse with siblings and parents, and (c) affection from grandchildren
*Threats:
(1) When spouses value individual ambitions in life more than family goals, it affects the harmony between spouses,
(2) If a spouse believes, “I am always right.” then it has a negative impact on married life.
(3) The rigidity of opinions and never asking for forgiveness, as a principle, has a negative impact.
(4) Sarcastic intrusive remarks negatively affect married life: “You shouldn’t have gotten married; you’re not marriage material. You cling to your parental values and ideals like a child,”
(5) Enjoying other hobbies such as: loving pets or domestic gardens, as a substitute for friendly relations with the spouse, is a bad strategy, which does not lead to harmony between the spouses, and
(6) Spouses often resort to showing financial muscle in the relationship.
It has a negative impact: either a greedy spouse gives in, or a self-respecting spouse promises to live within their own means. There are spouses who are greedy and love to take advantage of the spouse’s advantageous financial position. If the spouse’s family is richer, it can lead to expensive gifts, which can negatively affect the harmony between the spouses.
What are the options!
Despite all the boredom and fighting, marriage, as an institution, is a valuable experience to be enjoyed. Single people have their own problems. Their lives are far from perfect or in harmony. The solution is to resolve the differences between the spouses.
Shape of things to come!
We are in a transitional phase of human history. On the one hand, gender equality has strengthened humanity. On the other hand, intolerant and ambitious spouses have diluted the sanctity of marriage. It is a temporary setback. Sooner rather than later, we will realize our folly. Ambitious spouses will curb their ego clashes. There will be fewer divorces in society. Young girls will not be money hungry, to pursue eligible, rich and successful singles. Young boys will not value wealthy spinsters as friends, for monetary considerations. Love and marriage will not be like a business.
Love will involve:
(1) A pure love, between spouses, who are not interested in financial status,
(2) There is respect for the unique identity of the individual, and
(3) There is freedom to live in past memories and interaction with siblings and parents. An optimal shared life before marriage and after marriage will add to the richness of life and will not be a burden.
Life will always be a mixture of happiness garnished with pain. There will always be a painful conscience, a feeling of failure in the marriage as a spouse; since no marriage is perfect. We are not alone. All over the world, spouses feel harassed, cheated or dissatisfied. We feel, others are lucky, with a better spouse. Tolstoy, also had his wife, not very accommodating. He was fed up with her, he felt that human beings are incorrigible. His solution to humanity’s problems was complete celibacy. “The human species is not fit enough to survive. It needs to go extinct.”
Shocking!
It is not like this?
We are all imperfect, we feel hurt and want to quit, but we continue to fulfill our parental duty selflessly. We play our part and vanish into thin air. Buddhists call it “void theory.” Why are we in this world? Nobody knows. We don’t need to know. It keeps going, like water in a river, It moves, which way? Nobody knows. Leave the spectators behind. It moves, forever. Where? Nobody knows.
